Preparing For War!

Rising tensions over the President’s desire to see Canada annex to the United States as the 51st state and the new 25% tariff trade war going on between the two countries have islanders very concerned. In fact, they are so concerned that they met in a think tank-style, closed-door meeting in March to discuss options for the islands if the U.S. and Canada actually go to war.

According to our sources (one of three of the attendees who thought everything should be out in the open), Put-in-Bay and the U.S. Lake Erie Islands are believed to be where the first significant battles will take place. Both the Pentagon and Canadian military officials have wanted a rematch of the Battle of Lake Erie that took place in 1813 within a cannon shot of the islands. It is also believed by both the U.S. and the Canadians, that the U.S.’s most undefended and weakest spot is the Ohio Valley between Pittsburgh and Chicago. In case of war, the easiest way for Canada to regain ground of the original Northwest Territory would be to win a new Battle of Lake Erie and march into Ohio, thus dividing the original 13 colonial states from those to the west and northwest, Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Illinois, Minnesota, Iowa and the Dakotas. Sound familiar?

“Our beloved islands would be right in the path of the Canadian invasion if the two countries went to war,” pined PIB Mayor Judie Barry. Township council member Kris Kuper added that with modern weapons, Put-in-Bay, Kelleys and Middle Bass could look like the Gaza Strip especially since the islands voted “Red” for the President this past election. “Even the Monument could be destroyed,” offered the least intelligent of those present in the long-winded meeting.

So the group discussed the various scenarios the communities on the islands have in case of an all-out, gloves off war.

The first is simply to declare independence from the U.S. and become neutral. The fighting could go on around the islands and leave everything pretty much the way things are at this time, peaceful and quiet except during the busy tourist season. The one big plus would be we could make the island duty free so both U.S. and Canadians could visit our newly independent islands nation.

The second option is to stay aligned with the U.S. and those on the mainland and let the military bomb and destroy its way through the islands and over the lake to Pelee where the Battle of Pelee Island took place in 1838. The American forces were turned back then, but better U.S. weaponry and many more soldiers than Canada has today would more than likely mean a decisive victory leading to Canada surrendering and possibly becoming our 51st state. The battle would be fierce because the Canadians are a proud and resilient people and wouldn’t give up until the last Mountie gives it his best. A tremendous battle would leave the islands like the Gaza Strip and would destroy the island community as we know it today. Can you just see the President wanting to relocate all of us islanders so he could rebuild it into some sort of a Lake Erie Islands vacation mecca?

The last option discussed was Canada being partially successful considering how the U.S. never seems to win any war quickly but seems to drag them on and on for years. Could this mean an occupation of the all the Lake Erie islands by Canadian forces for a prolonged period like the Nazi occupation of the British Channel Islands just off the coast of France during World War II? Under this option, there would be numerous problems to deal with such as no ferry service to the Ohio mainland and who would take care of and maintain Perry’s Victory and International Peace Memorial given it’s part of the U.S. National Park System. Obviously, numerous islanders would try to flee to the mainland when they see the first Canadians march on to the islands. Would the Canadians commandeer their deserted homes to be used as barracks ? Would islanders get free National Health care? Would PIB High School Spanish teacher, Karol Sirney lose her job, so a new teacher could be hired to teach French? Should the Kuper boys be able to get black market goods to fill their grocery shelves? Would island girls be called out for horizontally collaborating with the Canadian occupiers? Will we all start talking with a Canadian accent? Could the islands become a new province? Would Put-in-Bay be called “Poutine Bay” after the national dish of Canada, poutine, a dish consisting of french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy?

These very important questions and many more need to be answered if the Islands would become occupied by a conquering Canadian force.

At the end of the meeting, attendees were stifled as to which option was the best. Fortunately, Byron Coldice was among those present. He suggested that the options be presented to the Research Citizen’s Group, the same committee that is researching “several islands, two governments” issues and options for South Bass Island. “If there’s one thing they can do, it’s coming up with the best solutions,” he told everyone who hadn’t yet dozed off.

Editor’s Note: We thought reporting this story wasn’t newsworthy until a whistle blower brought us this information which leads any reasonable person to believe things between the U.S. and Canada are heating up more than most realize. Read for yourself and decide if the gray clouds of war are darkening and that something should be done:

1) Canadian war games over Lake Erie have already violated Ohio airspace in violation of the NETO (North Erie Treaty Organization) agreement signed between Ohio and Ontario after 911. NETO is a collective defense barrier against aggression. NETO member islands include Put-in-Bay, Pelee, Hen, Kelleys, North Bass, Middle Bass, Ballast, Middle, West Sister, East Sister, Rattlesnake, Green and Mouse Islands.

2) Drones have spotted a troop buildup on Pelee Island.

3) Shipments of Canadian liquor have increased exponentially to the “LCBO” (government-run liquor stores) on Pelee. Sales of Russian Vodka have decreased dramatically.

4) Scouts have been spotted on Middle Island, the southernmost land in all of Canada. To be honest, spy reports from our connection on Pelee called them Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, but none the less they could pose a serious threat to our island security.

5) A Canadian Navy vessel disguised as a trap net fishing boat was seen laying a floating barrier demarcating the border. This Canadian craft was spotted setting boat fenders along the U.S./Canada border in Lake Erie. Word from Washington is that the U.S. border patrol will retaliate and put its own floating markers along the border line, too…..only bigger.

6) Chief Kimbal from the PIBPD attended drone training a few weeks ago, and anyone who watches the news certainly knows about the drone warfare going on in Ukraine.

7) An Apache Attack helicopter was seen flying over Pelee Island in February.

8) The President said he was going to make Canada surrender and allow itself be annexed by the United States through economic pressure. Why can’t the Canadians understand already?

9) Mayor want-a-be Sherri Symthe of Pelee Island responded, “As Canadians, we love our country. We are unwavering. We are resilient. When our backs are up against the wall, we will always stand for Canada and choose Canada. We are a proud, sovereign and independent country — and we will always prevail.

10) An unsubstantiated rumor going around the island is that Crooke’s Castle on Gibraltar Island is being torn down and the Benson Chevy Shiphouse is being relocated there. (How gullible does one have to be to believe this?) In reality workers are raising the tower of the Castle and making it a lookout towner for first defenders to spot any Canadian war machine invading the U.S. Lake Erie Islands.